I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
