some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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