just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
