I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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