Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
