Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
