Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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