WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
