Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize