I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize