Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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