Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
