I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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