you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
