I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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