my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
