Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize