I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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