I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
