I cut my penus on the lid.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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