the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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