I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
