wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
