Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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