my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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