I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
