Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
