Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
