dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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