so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
