shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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