have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
