OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
