I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
