hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
