I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
