OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize