Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
