Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize