the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
