Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
