Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
