"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
