He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
