Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
