The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
