They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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