Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
