Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think a kid would responsible me up
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
