My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
