I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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