he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
