WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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