she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
