We named our party play list daddy issues
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
