i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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