It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
