I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
